An Understanding of Abuse

No child should be this alone and unhappy.

Domestic violence occurs when an individual is emotionally, physically, or sexually abused, or threatened by an intimate partner. What differentiates domestic abuse from child abuse is that when a child is involved, the offender does not need to be an intimate partner or an individual with whom they are related by blood...

Did you know that Globally, 1-4 women and 1-10 men experience physical abuse during their lifetime with 15% of those reported cases committed by intimate partners? It is estimated that for each domestic violence case that is reported, ten domestic abuse incidents are not reported. Almost 50% of all female homicides, which occur in the United States involve an intimate partner. Approximately, 75% of the reported child abuse cases are cited incorrectly by law enforcement and Judges, which causes thousands of children per year to be ruled in the custody of abusers. Many of those children do not see their 18th birthday.

It is time to look at reality.

Statistics are one thing: let us begin now to talk realistically about the people directly involved. Initially, once leaving an abusive partner, your feelings are all over the place. You are not sure if you love the person, hate the individual, or if it is possible to live without them. Often, many survivors come away from abusive relationships with nothing. Most lose their homes, financial security, and often their children. Many survivors find that family and friends that once seemed supportive become unsupportive and often enemies.

Why is help so hard to find as an abuse victim?

The complication of domestic violence is that when most men and women experience trauma survivors they leave their abuse in need of rebuilding their lives. I will never forget the day that I stood in a rainstorm looking up at the sky asking how I was going to provide clothes, food, and shelter for my children. My husband and I owned our business together which was in his name. And, I had not held a job in many years. I had $5.00 in my pocket. As you can see, I got through it. Sometimes with very little, we survived, and my children grew up to become happy, successful people.

What you may not know about child abuse.

Did you know that child abuse cases are increasing every day, even though approximately 74% of the cases that occur do not get reported? As of 2017, 4.1 million children were emotionally, physically, or sexually abused in the United States alone. Of those cases that were reported, only 3.2 million of those children received any prevention education or post-response assistance. As noted earlier, many children do not live to see their adult years because of not have an outlet for assistance. Very few legal practitioners believe the words of a child. Yet, child abuse researchers note that sometimes the only way to diagnose any form of child abuse is to listen to what the child has to say. Rarely are the confessions of a child heard as truth. I have had far too many attorneys and judges tell me that children make up these stories or they are coerced by the targeted parent. Sadly, if the targeted parent asks the child what happened to them, the Court rules coercion. Not listening to the child often causes wrong rulings that send the child to their abuser. As I said earlier, many of these children do not reach adulthood. Especially those that tried to talk about what happened to them. So, not only are they not helped, they are sent to their abuser to be punished for attempting to tell the truth. Childhood abuse statistics also show that 50% of infant and young child deaths are the results of child abuse committed by more women than men. Did you know that more boys die from child abuse a year than girls?

Millions of innocent children are murdered by their mothers and fathers per year when the Court wrongfully rules the child in their custody.

If you have a heart for children, as most do, these statistics should shock you. What shocks me is that with the increasing amount of information that has begun to be publicized in most societies, child abuse is still growing by approximately 20% each year. Why is child abuse continuing in most communities? Some blame it on ignorance within Family Court and Departments of Children and Families; others blame the increase in child abuse on the hate allowed to fester in most societies. I see something wrong with the enormous difference between reported cases and those that acquire post-assistance in working through the issues. No wonder we have a high population of adults with PTSD as a result of being abused as children. Abuse and rape victims deserve fair treatment, which many find difficult to find. If we do not become mindful of child abuse, whatever the form or whoever performs it, our world is going to be fraught with the chaos caused by increased hate in our communities.

As a result of the high occurrence of child abuse, almost 50% of all adults suffer mentally or physically from some type of trauma they experienced during childhood. How dangerous are conditions going to become in our communities if child abuse continues to increase at approximately 20% per year? About 80% of all serious crime offenders are survivors of some form of child abuse. Often when PTSD is diagnosed, the afflicted individual is in disbelief as a result of dissociation. Dissociation occurs when your mind blocks the memory of an event. The process of allowing those memories to come forth is often worked through with a therapist. Please do not attempt to bypass this stage because, without the memories, your recovery becomes confused and almost impossible.

Therapy is only the starting point for trauma recovery.

After therapy, whether child, adolescent, or adult; there are usually leftover feelings and triggers that may seem insurmountable. Triggers are mental and physical reactions to reminders of the trauma you lived. During therapy, trauma survivors are introduced to their memories and learn what mental issues plague their existence. Yet, even though this knowledge is valuable, many survivors leave therapy feeling lost and frightened of their tomorrow. The majority of survivors attempt to move on after therapy but describe a feeling of being stuck to their abusers and, or past.

Those who have experienced any form of narcissistic abuse may tell you that they felt as if they were psychologically murdered. Some of us have memories of the narcissist in our lives causing us to attempt suicide, spend time in facilities, become addicts, or we are left with chronic mental and/or physical disabilities. Again, these symptoms are misunderstood because we have far too many mental health practitioners who have not lived the trauma of abuse. Many survivors find it difficult to find assistance. Having lived through a lifetime of abuse, I learned the hard way that to obtain effective help, that person should have abuse in their background. Abuse, whether domestic in nature or childhood, is only understood by those who have experienced the trauma. Many survivors who attempt to acquire assistance from inexperienced practitioners leave feeling more abused than when they were living with their narcissists.

Also a survivor, I feel as if I would be lying to you if I said that you were one day going to wake up free from your memories and pain. What I do want to say is that there is hope that you will one day have the freedom to live a happy and successful life. Your goals are obtainable. The time will come when you notice that you don’t think about your past experiences as much as you ponder over what is going on in your life. This strength will carry you through your CPS and, or Parental Alienation case to victory. Why? Because you will also have forgiven yourself for the part you played. That forgiveness will free you to allow for a full recovery that opens the door to winning your CPS and, or Parental Alienation case.

Dr. Sandra Speer, Ph.D., Legal Advocate, Abuse/Corruption Analyst, Expert Witness, CLC, CDRC, & Survivor